See me see toronkwacha.

My mum just came in to town. Na so I no dey hear word againooo. For the love of me, what are you going to eat, for the love of me, you are letting your husband drink garri, eh, with that many cubes of sugar, that is not how i treat you fatheroooo. Everyone that comes visiting, Eh, and you have to be careful with friendsooo, they will just snatch your husband. see how short that one's skirt is. "That one" is my sister's friend who does not have time for "'small boys''my husband is not on her level.(my sister is also with me which is why my mum is around).Are you not getting too fat,see your legs, and when I skip breakfast, she says I am not eating enough.

Anyway, the main gist is that I wan go do masters for obodo onyibo come september. My mother only just found out. Here goes:

Mama what is this that I am hearing?
Me what?
Mama That you are leaving your husband
Me Leaving my husband, why? I dey craze. Correct bobo like my husband why would I leave him , God forbid bad thing.
Mama Dont use that your smart mouth with me, you know what I mean. what kind of masters degree are you going for, these young people, how old is your marriage, you want to leave him alone, a girl will just come and put kop no me(some sort of love portion) for him. How can you want to take that type of risk?

And so my mother goes on an on. See me see troubleoo, my hubby and I have so carefully thought this out, no one has even bothered to ask me, why we have made this choice now, na so so scream dem dey scream, if no be say i know say my mama love me, I for think say she wish me bad luck. my dear hubby had never heard of Kop nno mi, now the boy is so curious, hey, see as people wan come teach my husbad how to cheat. Now I understand why most Nigerian men cheat on their wives. People actually expect them to.

All these blabbing, I neva get visaoooo, I know say she dey pray mountain of prayer make I no get the visa, God no go gree. This from a woman who studied in the US for three years, dint come home even once during that period, when I confront her, she says my father is a different kind of man, Shuooo, so na my husband come be adulterer.

Better gist. I have everything sorted out about my future life in the Uk except accommodation, I plan to live with my brother but I have been worried about inconveniencing him as he has a chic. Real bornagain naija chic, but you neva knowoo, cold fit catch dem some nights and she go wan sleep over, you know as those dia flats dey small.The whole of my bro's flat na like my kitchen. so I have been wondering, where I go live? na so my broda call me say dem don break up. Her mother said he is the reason her daughter had an extra, say he was distracting her,shuoo, my broda wey like book pass anything. Three hour lecture the woman gave him and then asked him to go see the girl's pastor. My brother being in love carry imself goooo, na so d pastor ask am 100 questions, that just did, he called the thing off. No be bera luck i get so. now i have accommodation problems sorted out, may my brother not discover my blog, or na underbridge I go live. Na ijebu dey do meoo, I no wan work and I no wan spend money for rent.

WHAT A SHAME

I am not quite sure how I feel. This feeling must be beyond sadness, beyond anger, beyond frustration. What on earth is going on? Have we really stooped this low, is this some kind of joke? When I first read of this indecent dressing drama, I thought someone was just trying to be funny, but reading Funmi Iyanda’s personal experience, I know now that it is for real.

We cannot take this, we must not take this. We will not take this. Something has to be done, I am tired of being docile. Tired of taking whatever crap is dished out to me. I am telling my mum I must fight this one battle, and she says what can you do, all we can do is pray. This I think is exactly the problem. We have so clouded ourselves with religion that we are almost blind. And our leaders know this so they take advantage. What on earth has prayer got to do with this? What exactly am I supposed to pray about, that God should change the IG or the governor or ….? This is a physical issue for Pete’s sake and must be dealt with physically. Much as I am a Jesus' freak I do remember that when the fishermen had toiled for long without catching any fish,Jesus took their fishing nets and cast it into the sea pulling out several fishes. He didnt command the fishes to jump out of the water into their laps.

I remember when I was at the university; a young girl was raped on campus at about 5.30.am. And people said, what was she doing out of her room that early? Did she not know the place was unsafe? Some of these people being women. Nigeria is crazy. Is the armed robber justified because the security guards were asleep? Should the drunk driver who hits someone go free because the pub was open? What on earth is wrong with us?
And so we carried placards in protest, sent letters/articles to the press, one was published, I do not know if it achieved much or anything but I can I least tell my children I did something.

Covenant university is refusing to graduate HIV positive students, and those unmarried but pregnant, NACA(National agency for the control of AIDS) has been trying to reach them, but no one wants to talk. A professor who just finished his Sabbatical at the university says they are all bound by fear, students and lecturers alike, but that is a story for another day. My brother lives in the UK and was recently refused a job because he is Nigerian; they told him to his face. A pregnant colleague fainted at work recently, we have a sick bay but the nurse at duty had no idea what to do, there was no ambulance to call, the hospital card in her bag had no phone number. Issues, issues and more issues and my dear country is arresting women for “indecent” dressing in a state where the governor is a lawyer. If I weren’t so angry I would find this comical.

We should stand up and speak out on this one, or else next they will tell us what hair styles to wear, and what color of lipsticks and nail polish to use. Where are all the activists on blogville, if we must go naked on the streets to be heard, then we should. Nigerians have been disrespected and downtrodden for too long.

Could not find a title.

Today was the first day of chimamanda Adichie's creative writing workshop and my humble self was in attendance. She is such a simple lady, absolutely unaware of her beauty and her talent.

Each partcipant was given a few minutes to introduce themselves, which was probably a mistake, some people just didnt stop talking. One lady said she started writing at the age of twelve. She gave us the precise date and time. She went further to mention so many other works she had written, their titles and synopsis and how she tore up some of them in anger. Chimamanda had to cut her short asking her to round up but she still didn't get it, she spent another five to ten minutes rounding up. I used to think that writers were the "tushest" people but my dear friend disillusioned me. She was completely unaware of the yawns and frowns of the rest of us. One other lady said she was hoping Chimamanda would find her a literary agent, Haba, first day? I just thought na wa for usooooo.
But it was fun, a lot of intellectual and creative people. and fidelity bank gave us some mouth watering dishes.

My sister is reading the guardian newspaper and is telling me about the university of Illorin's intention to ban male students from braiding hair and wearing earings. Nigeria continues to amaze me. what bleeding business has the school authority with the way the students look at a time where the quality of our education is so low. It reminds me of the last time I was at the university of Ibadan, where a lecturer said my hair wasn't fit for the academic environment.(I have dreadlocks) I graduated about 6 years ago and some crap lecturer who imparted absolutely nothing to me dared to comment on my hair? By the time I finished with him, he apologised and ran.

I look forward to a time where we will move from such mundane things and concentrate on higher matters, where people will not be judged by their appearance but the contents of their minds. I was at the university of leicester some time ago, and was shocked by their dressing. I couldnt help it, I stared. This is the least concern of the lecturer,all they want is a chance to mould their students into tomorow's giants in every industry irrespective of how they dress.

MY TAKE ON SOME ISSUES

ON FEMALE CIRCUMCISION
That the name is female circumcision and not female genital mutilation. That the white man labeled it female genital mutilation in a bid to make Africa seem barbaric. I am against the practice. I do not see the need for it but I think the practitioners should be educated and not condemned. What they do, they do mostly out of ignorance.

ON LOVE
That the definition lies with each of us; it could be a feeling, a choice, a passion, a fat bank account, great sex etc. It all depends.

ON MARRIAGE
That it is not a do or die affair. It does not guarantee happiness, success or anything of the sort. That there are no laid down rules for achieving a good marriage, what works in yours may not work in mine. For some husbands, submitting to them may work, for others you may need to flog them, just kidding.

ON DIVORCE
That it is allowed. If a man hits you once, run. You don’t know what he is going to do the next time. Many have died before from domestic violence, don’t be the next. I don’t know if a woman can beat a man up, but if your wife beats you up, run. Violence should not be tolerated, particularly not in the home, there is too much at stake.

ON HOMOSEXUALITY
That I cannot judge what I do not understand.

ON INFIDELITY
That it works both ways, As the married man finds himself attracted to some gal other than his wife, so does the woman. You may not be able to control your feelings or thoughts, but you most certainly can control your actions.

ON POVERTY
That it is not inevitable. We can actually have a poor free country and we shouldn’t wait for the government. They have disappointed us for several years now and may continue to do so. I am going to take a leaf from 36inchesofbrownlegs and sponsor a child. Do same if you can. You may not be able to upturn an entire ocean but you can cast a stone to cause many ripples.

ON MUSIC
That is the fruit of love so play excess of it. (This is a stolen line, Shakespeare I think)

ON THE WOMAN
That society doesn’t favor her, dating back to the bible days, where the adulterous woman was caught in the act, which means the man must have been there too but they brought only the woman for stoning. So women learn to love yourselves. You are your own best friend. Be always prepared..


ON LIFE
That it is the best gift God has given us all. So live up! Work hard, play hard, eat well, exercise, and love more. You may be lucky and live long or you may die tomorrow. There are no certainties so give each day your best shot.

More on Tinapa

A side view of the studio Tinapa
The entrance
Everywhere is so green in Calabar
On of the shops
And another

The lovely Tinapa

A view of some shops

Away in Tinapa

I have been away in Calabar,having the time of my life. Donald Duke makes me proud. Tinapa is absolutely beautiful, will put up pictures later. My internet connection is crazy at the moment so I may be out of touch for a while till I can change sources. Will be back as soon as I can.

Shout out to Chimamnda and Achebe. Inspite of Obj's attempts to drag our(nigeria) name in the mud, these guys refused to let him succeed. Nigeria has received some positive recognition via these duo for their creative writing excellence. To Chimamnda and Achebe, I doff my hat.

Unbeatable Chelsea

We won, we won!

Yippie, hippie, hurray!

Come on, lets pop the champagne, Chelsea got the cup!

We are the winners!

April 21

I will remember this date for two reasons; I lost my baby, and the Nigerian presidential elections.

The loss of a child is something I will not wish even on my worst enemy. It is extremely painful. Anyway I woke up on this bright Saturday determined to beat my husband in scrabble as he beat me on almost all the games on the previous saturday. instead we had to rush to hospital. My car typically would not start so we called my brother in law who practically flew down and off we were to the hospital, there was no car in sight,no buses, no bikes, absolutely none. I kept thinking, what if we didn't have a car, or someone we could call, when the country declares no movement, does it occur to them that some women would go into preterm labour, that some children would have terrible asthma/epileptic/ulcer attacks, and would need to be rushed to hospitals? How are these emergency cases expected to get to hospital, with no cabs, buses or bikes plying the roads, and no ambulances to call.Are they just supposed to sit at home quietly and die? I have never tried the Celtel emergency 199 service. I do hope it works, I certainly appreciate their effort more.

So we get to the hospital. I am rushed into an emergency room, The O and G is called, He is at a polling booth, he comes as soon as he can but it is still a while and all this time, the girl bleeds away. He says it is bad, surgery is the only way out, and so the anaethesist is called and the paediatrician, the clock is ticking, they arrive as soon as they can.

My baby lives but only for a few hours. they did their best,and I believe them. My anger is more at the system, I had tried to call the hospital from home,network issues. Maybe just maybe, if everything was in place before I got there, maybe I would be holding my baby in my arms now.

On a lighter note, we sent an sms out to people informing them of our tragedy, we said they could sms but we were not receiving calls and people started calling immediately! Is it that we don't read? And people said all sorts, it's better it happened now than if the child was older? says who? some said maybe I wasn't resting enough? like I wasn't feeling bad enough! And they dared to blame me.
Our families and friends have however been wonderful. My mother in law particularly, and my friends took turns to be with me at home, I didn't lift a finger for two weeks. May God bless them.

God,Pease let me play God for just one day

A few days ago, a friend of a friend was stabbed by area boys at Apongbon,She bled to death.

I am seething with anger at the government, at our leaders because the killers will not be found. And tomorrow another person might just may fall victim. Police reports confirm that attacks occur at Lagos island everday and they advise us to avoid the area. what if I cant avoid it? what if I work there,should I quit cos our security system is Zero?

The deceased made a 1st class. She had a good job, a baby of about one and a dear husband. She is what you would call an asset to the nation. If we are not loosing our talents to the Western world, we are loosing them to crazy deaths.

I am angry. I cannot describe how angry I am. I can only show it. Lord please, Let me be God, for just one day,one day is all I ask.

Baby,baby,baby

For the past three months, i have had low cut on my head and it has been absolutely wonderful. No driers or long hours of braiding, no dandruff either. Have a bath and wash everywhere,head to toe. Unfortunately my joy was shortlived as my hubby ordered me to get a new look. And coward that I am, I rushed off to get the look.
And so I get to the salon only to meet my favourite hairdresser pregnant. The girl is a teenager for pete's sake. How do these girls do these things, maybe the question isnt how but why? the father is probably some trainee mechanic or carpenter who can barely eat and she let him get her pregnant,Much as I believe in abstinence, I know it would be hard to teach these girls, but havent they ever heard of protection, Im shocked that in 2007,okay she must have been pregnant in 2006,girls still throw their legs apart and throw caution to the wind. She is not even a paid hairdresser, she is still a trainee which means she isnt getting paid so what is the fate of that child. Im really pissed at girls,here I am ,fighting circumsision,rape,etc and there some girl is letting herself be banged and by some idiot at that. I take it out on my friend who owns the salon, accuse her of not giving the girls sex education.
I too,am with child, I have a job, I also run a bussiness,my husband works as hard as it is possible for a human to work,off by 7.am,sometimes not back till 11pm,yet still I worry, what with a country like ours.
Will I be able to give her enough? Will she stand a chance at Havard,Yale,Leeds?
I get to my office this morning and what do I meet,my teenage office attendant retching away. She tells me she has malaria but she has no temparature and her eyes are as bright as the sun. I say a silent prayer,Lord let it be Malaria,please.

End of year party

End-of-Year Party for Lagos Writers
~
All authors and aspiring authors are hereby invited toa get-together organised by the Lagos Branch ofAssociation of Nigerian Authors (ANA Lagos), to markthe end of the year 2006.
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Theme: The Writer and the Publishing Industry in Nigeria
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Speakers: Osarobu Igudia and Toni Kan OnwordiSpecial
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Guest: Mr Steve Shaba, MD, Kraft Books LTD, Ibadan
~
Date: Saturday, December 9, 2006
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Venue: Cultural Hall, National Gallery of Art (Aina Onabolu Complex), National Theatre, Iganmu, Lagos.
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Time: 2.00 p.m. prompt
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The special event, which will be spiced with exciting recitations, performances and readings from creative works of new and established writers, will present theright atmosphere for the exhibition of creative talents. All (published) authors are implored to bringcopies of their publications for presentation and sale at the event.
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New members are enjoined to formalise their membershipon or before the December 9 fete. (Membership registration: #3,000; Annual Dues: #1,000)
~
Folu Agoi
0803 725 7165 / 0802 611 8565
Chairman, ANA Lagos

A story I Like by Anietie Isong

The Last Messenger
Anietie Isong
They called him The Last Messenger. His predictions had the uncanny precision of a chisel. Word went round that many heads of states consulted him on the calamity that might befall their nations. But where the presidents stopped, the public proceeded. In The Last Messenger's website, followers posted volleys of questions: Will Mugabe be ousted? Who will discover the cure for AIDS? What will be the fate of Neverland? Who will arrest Osama?
On 12 May, The Last Messenger presented a lecture at the Centre for Religious Studies in London. When he appeared on stage, nine people on the front row, (mostly his followers), fell to the floor, in reverence. The man wore a red robe and black sandals. The followers analysed that. They said that the colour was symbolic. Red was the colour of earth, of fertility. His voice echoed in the hall as he spoke of his role: "I am not a medicine man. Neither am I a prophet. I am just a messenger of the ancestors. We cannot possibly speak of religion without touching the subject of the ancestors. Since ancestors are nowhere and yet everywhere, it is difficult to speak of them comprehensively."
He paused and mobbed his brow with a handkerchief. The audience struggled to catch a glimpse of the piece of cloth: it was red. They exchanged knowing glances.
"Many of you would wonder who an ancestor is," The Last Messenger quipped. "I will tell you. An ancestor is someone who died a good death after having faithfully practised and transmitted to his descendants certain laws. An ancestor is a link that fosters communion between the living and the dead."
The Last Messenger argued that the living must expect much from their ancestors: protection from sickness, death, the acquisition of wealth, long life, wealth or many children. An ancestor, he announced was expected to be faithful to his earthly kin, to provide answers for their many needs.
He spoke: "In Africa, religious beliefs are found in everyday life and no distinction is made between the sacred and the secular. The African therefore does not need to prove the existence of the Creator to anyone. He is self existing and needs no proof."
There were many questions afterwards. Someone wanted to know why the ancestors did not stop the Tsunami. If the creator had so much power why couldn't he end poverty in Africa? Why didn't he do something about the corrupt leaders in that continent? Why did the genocide in Rwanda happen? Were the ancestors not drunk from drinking so much blood?
The Last Messenger answered these questions. The press reported that his countenance did not change, that his smile illuminated the hall.
"The Creator is an angry and merciful one," The Last Messenger revealed. "He is behind all the events in the world. He is the Fountain of life and power. What the world is experiencing is a phase. And like the night, this will pass."
The Last Messenger could only spare a private consultation with Ralph, a professor of history.
"Professor Ralph," The Last Messenger offered his hands. "How may I help you?"
The professor remained silent. He tapped his feet on the padded floor. Perhaps he was crazy to be there. He had written several papers on religion in Africa. He had dismissed the likes of The Last Messenger as fakes, evil geniuses who manipulated the poor people of Third World countries. Why was he there then?
"Professor," the Last Messenger called softly. "Your heart bleeds."
"Yes, my heart bleeds."
They stared at each other while time seemed still and framed.
"Life is made of journeys," the Last Messenger growled. "For some the journey never ends, it's almost everlasting. Many journey in search of wisdom, love and fortress. Many unfortunately, never find the solace they seek."
The Last Messenger noted the discomfort of the professor fading away, falling off like dry leaves on a harmattan morning.
"Messenger," Ralph"s voice quivered, "do you think that I am losing my sanity? It worries me, you see, the way my mind goes back and forth, the way my heart hammers and peace eludes me."
The Last Messenger laughed. It was said that he rarely laughed. Ralph was just one of the privileged few who witnessed his laughter.
"My dear professor, you belong to that category of people who journey in vain to seek inner peace."
"Why? I have read books. I have written, observed and studied . . ."
"Knowledge is not hidden in books. Knowledge is bestowed by the Creator. He alone decides who to give wisdom…your hands."
"What?"
"Give me your hands."
The professor extended his arms. The Last Messenger traced the lines in his palms. He closed his eyes. It was said that he saw well when his eyes were closed. He began the journey then. A mazy journey of torment and discovery. He entered the professor's innermost chambers. He climbed several staircases. But on each level of the step was a mask, a mask that shed tears. He moved quickly. But the mask was everywhere. He tried to walk with great care…
"I see a mask, professor."
Ralph was petrified. "A mask?"
"A weeping mask."
The professor felt a sensation in his throat. Perhaps he was going to die. He was going to die then in the presence of this African. Would he be mourned?
"What type of mask is that?" He was surprised he could still speak.
"An African mask with whiskers. That mask is in your bedroom now. It does not belong there."
The professor fell to the floor. (Later when he reported this to his friends, they said it must have been his knees. Professor Joe said he suspected Ralph had always had arthritis.)
"You may think that a mask is just a mask," The Last Messenger said. "But I am afraid it is not. A mask has its own soul. It has the capacity to hold and evoke memories, to build bridges to past times, peoples and places. You must return this mask to its original peoples and place…"
When Ralph rushed out of the private room, covering his ears and screaming invectives, his colleagues in psychiatry offered to treat him.
Nobody knew how the Last Messenger left England. Critics of the Labour government swore he took advantage of the lax immigration system in Britain and sneaked out through one of the loose borders.
But his followers said that he simply vanished, as he was known to have special powers.
However, in his website, the following week, The Last Messenger wrote: "Never mind the calamities we are facing now. Like night, this will pass."
Anietie Isong
Anietie Isong's native language is Ibibio, one of the many dialects in southern Nigeria. He began writing in English in primary school. English, he says, offers him "a rich palette of words to choose from. In this language, I can play around with synonyms and antonyms. For instance, I can use the following synonyms: obstacles, impediment, hurdle and snag to refer to the word, problem. In Ibibio, the vocabulary is limited." Anietie's works have been published in Okike, Farafina, Spirit of the Commonwealth, New Fiction and other media. He lives Leicester, England.
In Posse: Potentially, might be . . .
Return

When the security guard is the thief

I used to work at an airline some years back. Someday the guards who were keeping watch on the plane at the tarmac were caught sneaking away with aviation fuel, it was later discovered that that wasn't the first day. Several of them were involved. These people were paid to keep watch, to ensure that nothing is stolen from the plane but they became the thieves.

A couple of days ago, some policewomen stopped me and begged for money for the weekend. "Aunty please find something for us,abeg" one of them said. She didnt ask for my papers,or licence, all she wanted was money. Is this poverty or mere greed. She is paid an unsatisfactory salary I know, but so am I.

Something my pastor always says,oil flows from the head downwards. You probably won't find the people at NAFDAC stealing or begging. Dora has taught them better than that.
God forbid that I should ever have need to call the police, as it may just be the same begger on the street who would pick the call.

OUR DEEPEST FEAR

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light,not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, "who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous,talented,and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. we were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we subconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear,our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson

This is something I came accross somewhere. Nice.

You dey suffer, you dey smile, na your fault be that.

The lyrics of the legendary Fela’s song rings loud in my ears as I speak to one subscriber after the other.
I get to work one morning, singing to myself, high from some touch of God. The conditions have been changed, the hours are longer. My target is higher, but my pay remains the same. I want to protest, I want to scream unfairness but I am afraid or as they say in my country’s language, I don’t have the liver. So I keep quiet and get on with the day’s job.
There is a guy working beside me, after every call, he swears, he curses, “I’m getting out of here, I can’t take this crap anymore. I have been here for too long.” I smile to myself remembering him, he said the same thing a year ago. Like me, he too does not have the liver.
I spent over an hour in traffic this morning, same old cause, bad roads, that road had actually been fixed a few months ago, today its gone back to the same condition, no body is going to say or do anything, the contractors have men in high places who would defend them, so much money was passed around, every one had a hand it . The people who didn’t, the few people who still have integrity, have no liver to protest.

Now I understand why my country is like this, why there is so much corruption, why we can't have 24 hrs electricity, why there is no security(my brother in law was the other day harassed by social miscreants-what a nice name- he got away and ran to the nearest police station, they asked him to go fetch the miscreants for them to deal with. yes that’s what the police told him),and why there are so many air accidents.
At work, we hurdle together, all of us complaining about how terrible the system has become, how the company was a better place three years ago. Ninety percent of us here hate it here but we are still here smiling believing that one day we will wake up and everything will be fine. At home we sit in front of our TV sets and complain about our government, but complain is all we do and nothing changes.
When I was 22,I quit a job because my boss told me I didn’t have a choice but to do what he asked and so I showed him that I did, That was many years ago, I was young, I believed in myself, I was a non-conformist, I had my principles and I lived strictly by them. You don’t like crap, you don’t take crap. If my boss asks me to cut out one of my hands today, I probably would, after all I would still be able to work for him with one hand. I miss being 22.
I probably should quit but how many options do I have, who would pay my bills? I can leave the country, and go scrub floors, no thank you, I would rather be a slave in my own country. Funny when I was 22. I had fewer options than I do now, so why can’t I just leave? why do I stay on to take the licking here and keep on taking it. Like many others ,I simply have no liver.

Silence

There is so much in my head but no words to speak them. I am passing through the distance between time and death. Maybe the silence will help.